Painful but also cathartic in a way. There’s a sense of great sadness and one of relief that I will be free to move into something more in alignment with my passions and talents. I don’t know what the future holds for me but right now I feel like it should be a positive one.

I have neptune in scorpio in the 1st house. Square Moon, Jupiter and Mercury. I cry far too easily and find it almost impossible to express deep emotion verbally. Keeping a lid on it is also nigh on impossible.

Way too much pride with my strong Leo moon in the 11th house too. Stubborn as an ox really.

*sigh* Tough times but necessary I suppose

BIG lessons learned.
This solar eclipse time, which was hugely palpable here for the last few days – certainly yesterday, coincided with all kinds of conjunctions in my chart. What an incredible thing for an astrologer to get all these real life lessons at once!

The eclipse was on my birth Jupiter and the transiting Jupiter at the same time was conjunct my Venus and Midheaven which are on Algol, Mercury close in on that conjunction had my mind giving me a running commentary.
Not done yet. Black moon Lilith exactly conjunct my birth Sun AND Mars back again to conjunct Mars, Uranus and Pluto in my first house. The Mars “birthday” being exact. Pluto is still transiting my 23° wide Lilith coridor in my fifth house (Placedus).

Interesting issues were brought up in terms of the source, use and fear of power for me and also what that means for me as a woman and as an artist. If I shut the door on my rage and my distructiveness (I am a bend over backwards to please all of the people all of the time person) then I end up limp and anaemic and can’t move. I somehow learned to construct a sort of cat flap that let the sex and art through thinking that was me having it all under control, but it was in a way that further depleted my energy: paint a picture and collapse all limp afterwards, etc.

So I spent the past months on a creative time of fasting and entered the black hole connected to the creative source that is so scary and awesome and lonesome.

I was on a sort of inner quest for a while now and it culminated in a huge crisis point yesterday when I realized, I HAVE to say yes to the life time of supressed rage. I have had a reacurring dream of me as a (temple maiden?)some sort of keeper of keys who misbehaved somehow and was violently punished, cast down and chained and “abandoned”. The dispair and roaring fury turned me into a monster that caused people to shrink away in horror confirming their conviction that I needed to be chained, which added to the outrage and dispair etc, etc.

I lost control yesterday (over house cleaning with NO HELP – NO ONE DOES ANYTHING AROUND HERE!!!! and all that – completely rantingly losing it, poor hubby and kids). Part of me was watching it happen and then I felt something that was like a large amount of helpful energy and “information” input. What was given to me was the feeling of needing, right then and there, to use all my will power to turn around mid stream and brave the torrents and whatever might come with them. I explained to my teenaged kids (roaringly, with tears of fury flowing,… talk about monster!) what was happening and that it was not their fault but that I feel I can’t get to my energy until I let this all through. I am so grateful for their warm (actually enthusiastic!) support!

Then with a feeling of huge inner churning, I turned the “boat” about face to see what it is I am dealing with here. Ready to face the monster in its full size with a wide open heart.

What happened was unexpected. I softened, relaxed and felt lifted by energy. The rage melted. The causes still all there somewhere but like the natural scars in the bark of a birch tree that you’d expect to see in some form or pattern. The day was easy from that moment onward. Easy in a way that I have no memory of having in these 47 years. I got everything done, never ran out of strength and, this morning, after a short night’s sleep woke up refreshed. Chronic fatigue gone!???!

Here is the joke. When I turned my inner vessel around mid stream, I found myself not braving the torrent, but flowing with it, transported by it. All of the struggle, the exhaustion, the worry was from pressing my whole being against it.

What was with me this morning is this: you belong to the Lilith stream but you have to recognize that you are not the power, not the river nor the source – you are the captain of your boat on the river. Go with the flow, jump in for swims, take care of your boat.

Wow. Thanks Lilith!